You Have Arrived My Angel

Current Mood: Caffeinated
Current Sound: Evans Blue-The Pursuit Begins When This Portrayal of Life Ends

Well guys it's been like forever since I wrote anything...Lack of inspiration I suppose. Even right now I have no idea what to say...Seriously I'm staring out the window thinking I should write something...
Not much has been going on lately. My family is doing well and I'm doing ok for the most part. My best friend is getting married the 8th of August. I'm excited for her. So I've been busy helping her where I can. I'm standing up in the wedding and I have everything I need besides shoes...Hopefully I get them soon or I'll just go barefoot...It would be a lot easier for me that way. Anyway I hope it all goes well.
I've been under a lot of stress lately...I blame it on my worrying way too much and a couple people in my life. I still don't have a job and the lack of funds to do much of anything is bugging me. I've looked out there and there's nothing to find job wise. Unless I want to strip or hook...which that's not my cup of tea. I've been offered to do a Massage Party for my fellow bridesmaids which I've agreed to. (I'm a certified Massage Therapist who can't find work...) I've even offered my fellow bridesmaids discounted prices. (Instead of $1 per minute it will be $.50 per minute.) You would think in these stressful times someone will want a massage...Geez, I need one...and if I had the money I would get one...I guess Massages are luxzuries that people don't want to pay for. So we'll see how that party goes.
Another thing about the wedding...I don't care for one of the bridesmaids. She's rude and disrespectful to everyone even the bride's mother. This isn't how a person of our age should act. She should be grateful that she was even picked to be in the wedding and yes I'm truly grateful that I was. The thing that truly pisses me off about it is that no one calls her out on it. I guess it will have to be me. I will knock a bitch out! I don't care where it is I will do it. I won't do it at the wedding because it's the bride's day and I don't want to be the one who ruined it for her. I don't like her at all. To my knowledge no one likes her besides my best friend, the bride. Between the bridal shower and the batchlorette party, which were the same day, the rude bridesmaid basically said to me and another bridesmaid that all the other gifts, besides her own, were worthless. This pissed me off to no end at that I sighed and walked out of the house shaking my head feeling as "worthless" as my gift was. I didn't have much money to go and buy the bride things she would only use once or twice. I got her stuff that I could afford and that she would use on a day to day basis. The bride said she loved what I got her so I guess that's all that matters. The rude bridesmaid got her lingerie and some other stuff. This is just one of the things that has pissed me off about this girl...and I say girl because that's all she is. She has no sense of decency about her. She's pushy and way too bossy for her own good. I believe she likes to hear herself talk and she makes her problems seem like the worst problems in the world. She's self-centered and doesn't care about anyone besides herself. This is the bride's time to shine! My theory and everyone elses is that since she ran off to Vegas to get married she's regretting it and is planning her wedding but with a different bride. It's horrible.
I just hope for the bride's sake that everything is how she wants it to be. I love her with all my heart and she's my best friend! She means the world to me! I want her to be happy and all I have ever wanted for her is to be happy. If it makes her happy I'd gladly step aside and let someone else take my spot in her life and let my feelings and concerns be pushed down and bottled up for another time. I've already talked to her about it and it seems to me that this issue doesn't matter. My wish is that it did matter. But I don't want to start any drama at all for her. God knows she doesn't need anymore drama. So I will leave it at that and maybe one day we'll talk about this and other things at length and maybe, just maybe, it will matter.

Well guys I guess I really had something to say...Till next time guys I hope all is well with you!

The Need To Write

Current Feeling: Tired
Current Sound: Evanescence - The Open Door

I fell asleep last night thinking I need to write a novel...Then I thought, which kept me from sleeping, what would I write about?
In high school I always wrote stories I had a couple in the works but never could finish them! They never had an ending... They got proof read often by my friends and they always had comments and told me the truth about them. The ones no one had read and weren't printed yet were saved on my computer. Then my parents decided to get another computer...and my stories were lost. It was all done before I got home from school and everything had been deleted from the old computer...I was crushed...All my hard work was lost!
The people in my stories were always based on real life people. Besides the main character. The main character was always fiction. A few times I base the main character on me.But then I had written a story about Domestic Violence and the main character was a child. She had seen her mother get killed by her father and then her father killing himself. Her mother wasn't the only one who was getting abused. She was abused about the same amount as her mother...Basically when her father was done with her mother he would come after the little girl...The little girl grew up with her grandmother and after her grandmother died she finds herself going back to the same house, which had been kept and abandoned for about 11 years. Apart of her therapy was going back to the house. She thought she could fix it up and maybe sell it and finding love in the process. The friends who were proof reading this story were shocked I could write something like this and constantly asked me who was it about...I was shocked too it was a very graphic and emotional story. It left me with nightmares most of the time. I finally I gave up writing this story because if I had gotten it published people would be thinking I was abused and the main character was based on me...Which she was not. It was a good story of faith and love and I wish I still had the story. But it was one of the stories that were lost...I had printed the first few chapters out and let people read them but after all the people asking about the main character I stopped them from reading it...and continued to keep writing but when it was lost I couldn't start to write it again.
So I want to write something but I don't know what to write about...I know it will come to me. I've always wanted to be a writer and I've been told that I write really well. I have always liked my writing as well. So I guess I'll give my mind some time and see what it comes up with...
Well guys I feel that is all I'm gonna write today...I will let you know if I start writing something...Have a wonderful day!

The Beginning Of The End

Alone

Abandoned

Went from one to another

Obsession after the repeating fall

Searching

Climbing

Crawling

Seeing a glimpse near a far off star

Reaching

Driving

Surrendering

Diminishing

Failing

Looking down at a speck of hope

Just before that last beat

Salvaged

Revived

Saved

I wake up in its arms

A shine on my face

An opportunity in its smile

A relief on its brow

A love in its eyes

This one and final thought

Reflection

Image

This one feeling is all I remember

All I adore

My closing breath

My concluding expression

I saw

I felt

I watched

I dreamed

I loved

I believed that all I had worked for was worth the struggle

And then

The end

I finally found what I was looking for

And as it happened, all that time it was looking for me

Now I slumber peacefully

Undisturbed

Calm

Serene

In harmony

Thinking of the one

The hero...

I Need Him

To lead a better life I need my home to be here...
Here, making each day of the year
Changing my life with the wave of his hand

Nobody can deny that there's something there
There, running my hands through his hair
Both of us thinking how good it can be

Someone is speaking but he doesn't know she's there

I want him everywhere and if he's beside me
I know I need never care
But to love him is to need him everywhere

Knowing that love is to share
Each one believing that love never dies
Watching his eyes and hoping I'm always there

To be there and everywhere
Here, there and everywhere


Dedicated to: A man I will always love...

I Will Never

I will never again...Hear his laugh,

Feel his warmth...Touch his hair,

Or feel his lips on mine.

I will never again...Hold him tight,

Feel him next to me throughout the night,

Or hold his hand in mine.

I will never...dance with him,

Let him know how much I need him,
Or Tell him how much I care.

He just left me here...To wonder,

About OUR never

And THEIR forever...

Dedicated to: C.M.F

Eyes Of Blue

Those eyes...

So blue.

So cold.

Untrusting...

Could I cause that to change?

She turns.

Those eyes.

She trusts no one.

I know why now.

Behind the blue.

Behind the ice.

Far back behind the sky colors.

In between the clear crystal shards.

There's something more.

Her soul.

It lurks there, in darkness.

Hiding in the blackness of her lashes,

It waits.

For what?

I don't know.

Because everytime she looks at me,

The ice and the sky and the blue

And all the crystal shards

Come together and enter my own soul.

So deeply I can't breathe.

I look away.

And again,

She's broken...

The Risk

Do I Risk it all
And let him hear it again?
Do I remind him of the past
Hoping the impossible will begin?

Did anything grow
During the time of silence?
Do I let it out again
Only to break any alliance?

Confused I sit again
Not knowing what to do
Do I spill my heart
And say that this love is true?

He's always on my mind
And I wonder everyday
Do I keep my heart silent,
Or do I let him know what I have to say?

Do I risk it all
And let him hear it again?
Do I remind him of the past
Hoping for my dreams to begin?

Rapture

Silently she awakes and gazes upon him there.

She sees him sleeping peacefully and longs to hold him near.

She reaches out her trembling hand to gently touch his face. Remembering short hours ago, sharing love's embrace.

He stirs just then and spies her tender, loving stare.

Then places his hand over hers, stunned at the extent of her care.

Their eyes never leave each other as she caresses his soft skin.

She smiles at him slightly as she moves closer to him.

He takes her in his arms placing a kiss upon her cheek.

She turns her head slowly, his lips for her to seek.

A subtle moan escapes her as his hand explores anew.

Passions kiss intensifies as their rhythmic dance ensues.

He proclaims his love for her as he kisses her wanting neck.

She moves her hands over him finally to rest upon his chest.

Feeling her velvet secret engulf him again and again,

And feels her building climax escaping from her then.

She arches back, catches his eyes adoring their allure.

As they reach their perfect harmony,

Together once more...

A Dream Remembered

Don't

By: Jewel

Don't walk to close

Don't breathe so soft

Don't talk so sweet

Don't sing

Don't lay, oh so near

Please, don't let me fall in love with you again!

Please, let me forget

All those sweet smiles

All of the passion

All of the peace, the heat, the pain

All those blue skies

Where you're words were my freedom

Please, don't let me fall in love with you again!

Too many times

I've cared too much

I stood on the edge

And saw that you held my hand

And knowing too well

I couldn't hide from those eyes

Please, don't let me fall in love with you again!

It's kinda funny how dreams can sneak up on you and make you feel things that you've felt in the past and remember things you've tried to forget. It's weird how they can be so real you never want them to end. But I know this dream isn't real and will never be real...

I'm writing about this dream because it won't go away. It haunts me everytime I close my eyes. It crosses my mind at various points of the day and has me to the brink of tears at times. I know people are going to read it and they might get mad or they might not. I want to let them know that I'm only writing about it because if I write about it maybe it will go away. Maybe I needed to tell people my dream to let it go. I hope they see it as I do and think nothing of it. Names will not be said. Perhaps, it's just a dream...

My Dream:

It's late...or early depending on how you look at it. He gets home from being out...I'm there when he gets home...I'm on the couch, sleeping. I hear him come in but don't wake up completely. I hear him move around then feel him place a blanket over top of me and I gently smile in sleep and snuggle into the blanket...Then he settles on the same couch that I am on and he turns on the TV. Then I remember why I'm there. I'm there babysitting and I remember that his child is sleeping in his child's room and my daughter is fast asleep on the other couch. I hear him sigh and finally not finding anything interesting on the TV he gets up and moves into his room and gets himself ready to go to sleep as well...I snuggle a little more into the blanket and fall farther into sleep...I wake in the early morning and sit up and wonder why I have a blanket on me. Then remembering he put it there...I smile. I wonder why he didn't wake me to let me know he was home and that I could leave. I sigh and get up stretching and yawning. I think to myself "I need coffee." and wonder if he'd like some too. I move into the kitchen and find everything to make the coffee. I make the coffee and move back into the living room. I tidy up the living room making sure the toys that were out on the floor were picked up and then I fold my blanket and place it on the couch... I then stand there for a minute not knowing what to do next. I figure to maybe try to wake him up so I can get ready to leave and have a cup of coffee before I go. I walk towards his room and the door is slightly open. I put my hand on the door knob and slowly open the door. I see him there in his bed and again I smile. He's, at least, shirtless... I walk slowly and quitely to the side of the bed...I gently say his name trying to wake him. He shifts but doesn't wake up. Then I say his name again and nothing happends...So I sit slowly on the edge of his bed and place my hand on his exposed shoulder and gently shake him and say his name again. He shifts again and is awake. He then reaches out to me and takes my hand and pulls me closer to him. He mumbles "Lay with me." I was not sure what to do so I lay down with him facing him. I look at his face and he's smiling with his eyes shut. He sighs and then places his arm around me and snuggles closer to me then places his head under my chin. I can feel his breath there and it tickles me. My heart is beating about as fast as it could. Then he did the unexpected...He kisses my neck and starts to trail up to my chin and farther up to my lips...Not knowing what to do or say...It was like I couldn't speak or breathe...After he kissed me gently on the lips I pull back and slowly open my eyes...He's there staring at me confused. I knew what he was thinking in the moment. He was thinking I was his girlfriend..."Sorry," I say and I sigh, close my eyes, and slowly turn to get out of his bed and leave his room..."Wait..." he said and grabs my arm...I turn back to him and I feel tears threatening to fall. He looks at me and into my eyes. A tear gently slips down my cheek and he gently pulls me back to sitting on his bed. He reaches up and touches my face with his hand and slowly wipes the tear from off my cheek. "I'm sorry..."He said. He sighs and sits up. He looks at me and pulls me into a hug. "I didn't mean to do that. I'm so sorry." he said hugging me tighter. "I thought you were..." he stopped because I had pulled out of his embrace and said "you thought I was her..." Another tear slipping down my cheek was caught by him and his hand stayed on my cheek. He looked into my eyes and slowly got closer to me. I closed my eyes to get away from his stare then I felt his other hand on the other side of my face and then his soft lips were on mine again...I broke the kiss..." I don't think we should..." I said. "Shh..." He said cutting me off. And he moved back into kissing me. Laying me gently back on the bed with him. Never stopping the kiss. "I've missed kissing you! Your lips are so soft..." He said. And with that his hands were on my body. "I've missed the feel of your body under me..." He said. I sighed and looked up at him. Seeing the passion in his eyes I knew he wanted more then just my kiss. And I was conflicted. I didn't know what to do...a part of me wanted to push him off me and run and the other wanted to feel what it was like to be with him again...Then I felt him start to pull my shirt over my head. It was completely off when I looked him in the eye again..."I don't think we should be doing this again..." I said feeling stupid because I knew I would never be able to be here in this moment with him again. He slowly backed away from me and then I looked him in the eyes and thought to myself "Screw it! This is worth all the hurt it will cause me later..." I grabbed him and pulled him down on top of me kissing him roughly. I push him gently away but only to get the rest of my clothes off...He looked at me and smiled wickedly and kissed me roughly back and his hands found my body again and they found places I never knew I had...We make love for hours and after it was all over and after I thoroughly enjoyed myself we laid there holding each other. "I just wanted to say earlier when I woke you was I made coffee..." I giggled. We then got dressed and went into the kitchen and got our coffee. Then he asked me "Do you want to help me make breakfast? Since the children should be getting up pretty soon." I looked him in the eye and smiled "Sure! What are we making??" We made pancakes, bacon and more coffee...He held me most of the time kissing me when he felt the need to and looking into my eyes when he got the chance...I spent the morning blushing...Then as if it was an ending to a dream the children did wake up and we had our breakfast and I helped clean up after everyone was done and I pulled him into the bathroom just to hug and kiss him again before me and my daughter went home...And with those last kisses and that last hug the dream was over...

Hopefully this works...and hopefully no one is offended by it... I just need to get it out of my head! It was just so real. Hopefully it's only just a dream!

I Am

I am, the voice that haunts you at night.
I am, the dawn with each morning.
I am, your tears as you're seeing me leave.

I am the whisper of the wind just outside your window.
I am, all these things and always will be...

I am, the mourning dove cooing in the tree.
I am, the comforter that covers you at night.

I am, the calm when you're in my arms.
I am, the flicker of happiness in your eyes.
I am, all these things and always will be...

I am, the walls that protect you each night.
I am, the sigh upon your lips when I upset you.
I am, your hands that hold mine tenderly.
I am, the little sparkles in your eyes.

I am, all these things and always will be...

I am, everything and much more.
I am, all these things and always will be...

Things

What is this thing that is there
That I don't find when I see my life in his eyes?
What is the thing that is there
Calling me to the heart of him?
I'm pulled to answer that heart pounding at me
Listening to something that is there.
But I see my life in his eyes here
And I can't heed the call
If heeding the call means breaking a heart
Then whose do I choose to shatter?
Do I finish the job I have begun on the
One who handed me his heart?
Or
Do I finish the shattering of mine?

A Drop Of Dew

Thoughts flicker

In my mind

Like faint stars.

I glint

Like a drop of dew

In the morning sun

And vanish.

This space

Into which I now dissolve

And disappear

Is the eternal color

Of your eyes.